Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Rantview - Law Abiding Citizen

Too many people I know have told me they enjoyed this film so rather than continuing to simply shake my head and walk away I've decided to give it a wee review.........

Champion wasp-chewer Gerard Butler is back, he got his sandal-clad foot through the Hollywood door and like any competent Scotsman he isn't leaving the party until the booze runs dry or he's dragged out by the bouncers. In his third craptastic film in a row he plays some bloke who's name I can't remember that sees his family brutally slaughtered right before his eyes. The hardy Scotsman survives however, knife in the gut being only a flesh wound compared to the stabbings he probably survived on a night out in Glasgow as a youngster, and when the district attorney (Jaime Foxxxxxx not so much phoning it in as texting it, while driving) makes a cushy deal with the worser stabbier of the two criminals to ensure at least one of them gets the death penalty Butler decides it's time to take the law into his own, well in about 10 years that is.

What the hell was he doing for those 10 years? It's later revealed that he's supposed to be some kind of strategic mastermind working for the US government, if this is the best they've got no wonder Iraq was such a bloody mess. I prefer to think Butler was bemoaning his fate Hamlet style, annoying his pals, getting shit-faced and talking to skulls, only pressed into action when he saw they were about to lethal injeculate one of the guys he wants revenge on. So he wiped the puke off his chin, took a dump and while he was on the porcelain throne jotted down a quick revenge scheme in a hangover haze that trailed off the notepad until it just read FUCK IT KILL EVERYONE in caps at the end, in red crayon.

So he proceeds to kill the bloke that is about to get executed anyway then brutally torture and dismember the other bloke that's been getting his drug-on and his dick sucked for the better part of a decade. Lets himself get arrested then the REAL revenge plan kicks in - orchestrate a terror campaign against the courts and the city in which innocent people get blown up left and right. Wait, what? Oh he's making some kind of point about the failings of the US legal system I think. Things get sillier from here on in until a ridiculous final act twist just about breaks your balls in it's mediocrity and tops itself almost immediately with Butler's final scene.

So burning questions; why did so many people seem to like this? Why does Butler sound like he's doing an American accent through a mouthful of scrabble tiles. And the most important question of all, why did he feel the need to get his dangly bits out when the police came to arrest him?

Right I'm off to watch Gamer :)

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