The Midnight Special: Films That Time Forgot

Polanski, Japanese Horror, SUS, A Day Of Violence & some Hollywood Classics

2010-09-13T07:16:00.000-07:00

Cul-de-sac DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

SUS (Stop & Search) DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

DeathTube DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

A Day Of Violence DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

A Man Called Noon DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Army Of The Dead DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Sinbad The Sailor DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Androcles And The Lion DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Double Dynamite DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Condemned DVD review over at DVD Trash

Czech horror, drive-in cult classics, a 40's serial and a couple of Mya releases!

2010-08-29T15:43:00.000-07:00

Darkness (aka T.M.A.) DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Point Of Terror DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Brainjacked DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Girls On The Road DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Skateboard DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Uppercut Man DVD review over at DVD Trash

Naked Obsession DVD review over at DVD Trash

The Monster And The Ape DVD review over at DVD Trash

New Dolph Lundgren BluRay, Sweet Karma and a couple of Hollywood Classics

2010-08-20T05:21:00.000-07:00

The Killing Machine (aka Icarus) BluRay review over at 10,000 Bullets

Sweet Karma DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

The Big Clock DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Son Of Kong DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Shameless, Mary Millington, Umberto Lenzi and some Best Of British Classics!

2010-08-06T11:48:00.000-07:00

Satan's Baby Doll DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Hitcher In The Dark DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

The Playbirds DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

The Break DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

The Woman In Question DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Dangerous Moonlight DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

They Flew Alone (Wings And The Woman) DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Gold: Before Woodstock, Beyond Reality DVD review over at DVD Trash

Isle Of The Damned DVD review over at DVD Trash

A few more little B-movie floaters

2010-07-25T17:02:00.000-07:00

Dredging the canal of shit that is the steady stream of new b-movies every few months and coming up with the best floaters so you don't have to get your hands dirty! ......and yes there's another Ving Rhames flick...

First up After.Life (2010) stars Liam (I'll give it a go) Neeson and Christina (daddy issues) Ricci. Weird little coffin-dodger flick that will entice necrophiliacs but ultimately leave them frustrated and shouting; "Dammit bitch you're supposed to be dead, just shut up and lie still!" at the small screen. Ricci is perfectly cast given her current corpse/wraith-like appearance and apparent self-imposed contractual stipulation that she get to spend most of her time on screen buck-ass-nekkid.

Next; Operation Endgame (2010). A foul-mouthed, funny little fucker of an assassin vs assassin slaughterfest set in an underground bunker. If you've ever yearned to see Claire from Lost beat Ving Rhames to death with a chair leg or Ellen Barkin go apeshit with a flaming putter then this one's for you!

And finally: Afterschool (2008) an indie flick starring nobody you've ever heard of. Glacially paced, documentary-like, offbeat, hypnotic, scary as shit little trip into the minds of the youtube generation. The end of the world is nigh....

Return Of The Real Karate Kid in Wax On Fuck Off!

2010-07-24T04:54:00.001-07:00

Wax On, F*ck Off with Ralph Macchio from Ralph Macchio

Couple of BluRays, random new horrors and a few new Mya & Pink Eigas

2010-07-19T05:44:00.000-07:00

Bubba Ho-Tep BluRay review over at 10,000 Bullets

7 Days DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Straightheads BluRay review over at 10,000 Bullets

The Final DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Mumsy, Nanny, Sonny & Girly DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Blood River DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Confessions From The David Galaxy Affair DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

John Lennon: Love Is All You Need DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Submission Of A Woman Mya DVD review over at DVD Trash

Sandok Mya DVD review over at DVD Trash

Love Games Mya DVD review over at DVD Trash

Deep Contact Pink Eiga DVD review over at DVD Trash

Ninja Pussy Cat Pink Eiga DVD review over at DVD Trash

Valhalla Rising (BluRay), Love Goddess Of The Cannibals and some more random shite!

2010-06-30T04:18:00.000-07:00

Love Goddess Of The Cannibals Shameless DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Valhalla Rising BluRay review over at 10,ooo Bullets

Emmanuelle In Soho DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

The Statue DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Boobs: An American Obsession DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Martin - New Arrow 2-Disc Immortal Edition Review

2010-06-22T15:58:00.000-07:00

A new release of George A. Romero's excellent Martin from Arrow Video.

Martin: Immortal Edition Full DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

A few Mya titles and some very random shite!

2010-06-09T05:46:00.000-07:00

A few more external reviews for anyone that's interested.

Without Trace Mya DVD review over at DVD Trash

Crime Of Passion Mya DVD review over at DVD Trash

Sweet Teen Mya DVD review over at DVD Trash

And some fairly awful random shite..........

Razor's Ring DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Fan Of The Dead DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Greatest American Snuff Film (Directors Cut Special Editon) DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Vamp Vixens DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Polanski Remastered, Mesrine Blu, 70's Brit-sleaze & some Uwe Bollshit

2010-05-27T11:28:00.000-07:00

A few more external reviews for anyone that's interested.

Repulsion (Digitally Remastered SE) DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Take An Easy Ride DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Mesrine: Parts 1 & 2 Bluray review over at 10,000 Bullets

Final Storm DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

French & Italian Zombies, Russian Remakes & Japanese Perverts

2010-05-10T06:05:00.000-07:00

A few more external reviews for anyone that's interested.

Mutants DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Zombie Holocaust DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Newsmakers DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

The Air I Breathe Blu-Ray review over at 10,000 Bullets

Blind Love Pink Eiga DVD review over at DVD Trash

Groper Train: Search For The Black Pearl Pink Eiga DVD review over at DVD Trash

Groper Train: Wedding Capriccio Pink Eiga DVD review over at DVD Trash

External Reviews: The New Daughter, Van Diemen's Land, Timebomb

2010-05-05T03:46:00.000-07:00

A few more external reviews for anyone that's interested.

The New Daughter DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Van Diemen's Land DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Timebomb DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

The Bronx Warriors Trilogy Tin - Shameless DVD #21

2010-04-28T02:47:00.000-07:00

The Bronx Warriors Full DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets
Escape From The Bronx Full DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets
The New Barbarians Full DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Jailhouse Wardress & Convoy Of Girls - Nazi Cult Collection DVD

2010-04-26T17:27:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately the last two films in this boxset turned out to be ridiculously awful, really, just fucking terrible, it's gonna take me a while to recover from sitting through these turkeys, I'm gonna have to watch Mad Max 2 or Escape From New York or something just to remind myself why I love movies again!

Convoy Of Girls DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

Jailhouse Wardress DVD review over at 10,000 Bullets

This single frame was the high point of these two movies and it lasted for about a millisecond!

Nathalie Rescued From Hell (1978) - Nazi Cult Collection DVD

2010-04-25T20:09:00.000-07:00

Full DVD Review over at 10,000 Bullets

Special Train For Hitler (1977) - Nazi Cult Collection DVD

2010-04-24T07:13:00.000-07:00

Full DVD Review over at 10,000 Bullets

Helga She Wolf Of Stilberg (1977) - Nazi Cult Collection DVD

2010-04-23T10:28:00.000-07:00

Full DVD Review over at 10,000 Bullets

Elsa Fräulein SS (1977) - Nazi Cult Collection DVD

2010-04-22T07:16:00.000-07:00

Full DVD Review over at 10,000 Bullets

The Nazi Cult Collection (6 films)

2010-04-22T07:06:00.000-07:00

Picked this set up a little while ago and will be reviewing them over the next week -

Thanks to Bruno (aka bdc over at The Cult Labs forums for the 2 images above)!

External Reviews: Boogie Woogie, Baba Yaga, Killer Tomatoes, Elvira & Footprints

2010-04-18T15:12:00.001-07:00

Boogie Woogie over at 10,000 Bullets

Baba Yaga: The Final Cut over at 10,000 Bullets

Elvira: Mistress Of The Dark over at DVD Trash

Return Of The Killer Tomatoes over at DVD Trash

Footprints over at 10,000 Bullets

A few recent external reviews for anyone interested

Another 3 Good Little B-Movie Flicks

2010-04-16T14:48:00.000-07:00

Dredging the canal of shit that is the steady stream of new b-movies and coming up with the best floaters so you don't have to get your hands dirty!

First up Salvage (2009) stars Neve McIntosh and Shaun Dooley. Claustrophobic horror/thriller filmed entirely in the disused sets of CH4's ex-soap Brookside! At about 75 mins it's short enough so it doesn't outstay it's welcome.

Next; Evil Angel (2009) starring Ving Rhames. Poorly acted, stupid as fuck and totally addictive post-pub fodder instant classic as we follow a demonically possessed evil bitch out for vengeance!

And finally: Defendor (2009) Woody Harrelson essays a (possibly) mentally ill social misfit that thinks he's a superhero. Unfortunately timed to coincide with the completely different soon to be mega-blockbuster Kick Ass, this great little indie flick is likely to go completely unnoticed - I fucking loved this one!

The Essential Guide To Hammer Frankenstein

2010-04-12T08:13:00.000-07:00

For the past couple of months I've been privy to a series of very exclusive screenings; that's right folks I've been watching flicks with my 87 year old nonna (that's gran to you non-tallys) every Sunday afternoon and she likes her a bit of classic horror!

The Curse of Frankenstein (1957)
Director: Terence Fisher
Cast: Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, etc.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0050280/

"The Reboot!"

Well you didn't think reboots were a recent phenomenon did you? Due to Universal being pricks over the closely guarded rights to their 1930's square-headed-neckbolt-wearing creature Hammer studios had to get a wee bit creative here in bringing Frankenstein to the big British screen.

Peter Cushing makes his first appearance as Baron Victor Frankenstein. An amoral genius that gets his jollies by re-animating dead flesh, bothering the chambermaids and being all superior to his live-in tutor/assistant/boyfriend Robert Urquhart. After a big tiff about the ethics involved in copy and paste bodyshopping, particularly the killing of a lauded professor just so Cushing can use his brain for experimentation, Urquhart gets stroppy and the dead prof's brain gets irreperably damaged. But let's use it anyway!

The all-singing, all-dancing Christopher Lee wasn't too pleased at his lack of lines and must have been kicking himself for putting 'mime' on his CV but he is nevertheless memorable as the pitiful brain damaged awkwardly mobile creature. The oft imitated zombie on a chain moment being his best scene in the film.

Colour! Oh the colour hurts my eyes! The 50's audience used to tepid black and white kitchen sink dramas lapped it up despite critics rubbishing the film as being 'for sadists only' - what would they make of today's torture porn craze I wonder! Along with Dracula (which followed the year after) this was the starting point for Hammer's gothic horror phenomenon that would dominate their output for the next 20 years.

The Creature: Christopher Lee's scarred up anti-hero gets liquidated, literally!
The Baron: Gets stitched up and sent to the guillotine!
Granny says: "That Peter Cushing's a right bastard, but isn't he great!"

The Revenge Of Frankenstein (1958)
Director: Terence Fisher
Cast: Peter Cushing, etc.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0050894/

"The Sequel!"

Hunchback Karl saves Cushing from the chop and they both leg it to Carlsbruck. FFW three years and they've set up a practice helping the poor and helping themselves to the inevitable amputation leftovers. To be fair Cushing has toned it down a bit this time, Baron Frankenstein's obviously had some PR consultations or something because he's turned into a kindly old nutter, still intent on re-animating the dead but not to the extent that he'd murder to do so. Plus the (scar free, actually perfect) body that he's created this time is for poor Karl, sick of being a special, he wants his brain transplanted into a proper functional body. It all goes quite well until post-op Karl goes walkies before he should and gets happy-slapped by an innkeeper. The brain hadn't fully healed yet y'see so now Karl's gone all feral and cannibalistic...........

Michael Gwynn's lanky matchstick man isn't very threatening as the cannibalistic creature but then he's still best known to me as Lord Melbury the con-man from Fawlty Towers, I couldn't quite get around that!

The Creature: Goes nuts, has a stroke.
The Baron: Beaten to death by an angry mob of amputees, then has brain transplanted into new body by assistant and heads to Harley Street to start all over again!
Granny says: "Bloody hunchback screwed it all up for Frankenstein!"

The Evil of Frankenstein (1964)
Director: Freddie Francis
Cast: Peter Cushing, etc.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058073/

"Frankie Goes To Hollywood!"

Yup Universal's hopped on the bandwagon at this point, striking a distribution deal with Hammer and telling em to go hard as you like on the Karloff look. Enter big booted, square headed Kiwi Kingston as Frankenstein's lost experiment, apparently fell off a cliff or something and frozen in ice, until Cushing stumbles upon him and gets defrosting. His brain's obviously a bit fried so the Baron hires travelling carnival hypnotist Zoltan to lay down some magic on the creature. Bad idea seeing as Zoltan's a greedy alcoholic thief who soon puts the big guy to work murdering and looting............

The Creature: Kiwi conehead/karloff mash-up gets incinerated.
The Baron: Castle falls on his head.
Granny says: "I hate carnies."

Frankenstein Created Woman (1967)
Director: Terence Fisher
Cast: Peter Cushing, Susan Denberg, etc.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0061683/

"The kinky one!"

The titular Baron is frolicking down a new avenue of the insane this time; namely soul searching. For how long does the soul inhabit the body after death and can it be contained? But that's all put aside for a while as we're introuduced to Anton and his snooty droogs; botherers of scarred waitress Susan Denberg and her loverboy peasant Hans. In what seems like a b-plot that has invaded the main feature (it does just go on and on) the droogs kill Denberg's father and pin it on Hans. Hans gets guillotined and the Baron nabs the corpse to extract his soul. But where to put it? Ah yes, into the body of recent suicide victim (and Hans' lover) Denberg of course. After a bout of plastic surgery that would put the lads in Nip/Tuck to shame Denberg is reborn as a blonde chick with a metaphysical dick!

With a very british TV feel to it, this had to be the worst of the sequels for me. Disappointingly the popular publicity shot of Denberg wrapped in nothing but a couple of slim bandages does not correspond to a scene in the film. So despite the intriguing science and a few fun scenes I found this one to be deathly dull, but then Scorsese picked this movie as part of a 1987 National Film Theatre season of his favourite films so what the fuck do I know apparently! Have to hand it to Cushing though - he could be phoning it in by now but he gives it his all as if he's still on stage with Olivier - standing out like a gem in the middle of this snoozefest is a wonderful courtroom scene in which the Baron is called as a witness and just doesn't seem to understand why any of this 'murder nonsense' is really important.

The Creature: Mentally hermaphroditic!
The Baron: Gets all spiritual and chills the fuck out.
Granny says: "Is it over? I fell asleep."

Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed (1969)
Director: Terence Fisher
Cast: Peter Cushing, etc.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0065738/

"The return to form!"

In need of some vital info from mental patient/fellow re-animation specialist Dr Brandt, the Baron blackmails a young doctor (Simon Ward) and his fiancee into helping him kidnap Brandt from a mental asylum. Unfortunately Brandt suffers a heart attack during his kidnap and the Baron decides to transplant his brain into the nearest available dead body to preserve the knowledge he requires. The transplant (for once) goes perfectly, the brain undamaged, Dr Brandt awakens sane and finds himself in the body of another man.........

The best of the sequels by far. The plot goes along at a brilliant pace, there are very effective moments of suspense (the body being uncovered by the bust water main, the asylum kidnap) and Cushing is at the top of his game here. The Baron is no longer a kindly old misunderstood humanitarian, he's a driven amoral blackmailing murderer once again, change of character summed up perhaps in his callous rape of Veronica Carlson, a woman he doesn't even seem to lust after. But the real draw of this film is Dr Brandt, the creature, faculties intact for once and not looking to kill and eat everyone in sight, intellectually equal to the Baron himself. Unfortunately the woman he loves no longer recognises him and he begins to see himself as an abomination. Surely the best written and most sympathetic creature of the entire series.

The Creature: Mad as hell and not gonna take it anymore.
The Baron: Gets dragged kicking and screaming into a fiery inferno of destruction.
Granny says: "That little tease was asking for it!"

Horror Of Frankenstein (1970)
Director: Jimmy Sangster
Cast: Ralph Bates, Kate O'Mara, Dennis Price, David Prowse, etc.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0065851/

"The comedy one!"

Essentially a remake of Curse Of Frankenstein, slotting in Ralph Bates in place of Cushing and cleavage in place of acting. Can't imagine how anyone ever thought this was a good idea. Young Frankenstein this ain't! I can count the jokes on one hand and they fall flat in their execution, juvenile nonsense epitomised by the amputated arm that when re-animated flips the libidinous Baron the V-sign. The fact that everyone plays it deadly serious doesn't help either. The creature is played by gurning bug eyed bodybuilder Darth Vader himself David Prowse. Kate O'Mara and/or Veronica Carlson could have at least had the decency to get naked but even that small pleasure is denied us........

The Creature: Pumps iron.
The Baron: Pumps the ladies.
Granny says: Very little as she didn't even want to watch this one.

Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell (1974)
Director: Terence Fisher
Cast: Peter Cushing, etc.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071519/

"The big hairy finale!"

Back in a mental asylum again this time essentially run by the blackmailing Baron Frankenstein himself. This final entry in the series features a particularly gaunt faced Peter Cushing (still giving it his all mind) mirroring perhaps the mental and physical decline of the Baron himself as he resorts to creating yet another hideously deformed creature with the brain of a scientist. The hairy beast is frankly ridiculous (played by Prowse again this time under heavy make-up) the story is tepid if somewhat gorier than previous entries. The plot finally jumps the shark (even for a Frankenstein film) by having the Baron declare that his creature should breed with his mute female assistant in order to preserve the essence of his creation which has started to go a bit barmy yet again.

The Creature: Gets ripped to shreds and eaten alive by mental patients.
The Baron: Calmly loses his mind, sweeping up his latest mess and proclaiming his intent to start all over again.
Granny says: "I still would!"

Footprints (1975) - Shameless DVD #20

2010-04-04T14:48:00.000-07:00

Footprints (1975)

aka Le Orme. aka Footprints On The Moon, aka Primal Impulse
Director: Luigi Bazzoni, Mario Fanelli
Cast: Florinda Bolkan, Peter McEnery, Nicoletta Elmi, etc.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071950/

Hey-ho, another month, another Florinda Bolkan movie. Totally random choices here, I'm not obsessed, really!

Alice Cespi (Bolkan) awakens from a dream about a man being stranded on the moon. Effective imagery here takes second place to Klaus Kinski's bug-eyed glare of course, not something you want to see coming at you in the dark of night.

Weegie Translation: Ooyah bas mah willies caught in mah zip!

After a coffee and a smoke in her 70's minimalist living space Alice shoots off to work and discovers to her surprise that she's been AWOL for three bloody days. Apparently it wasn't a passed-out-in-your-own-vom drinking spree blackout so she's stumped! Oh wait there's a ripped up postcard of someplace called Hotel Garma in her kitchen dustbin, where did that come from? Well Garma obviously so off she goes to investigate and rack up some airmiles on Alitalia.

Spectacular lack of thrilling images from this film!

As Alice tours her way around Garma and it's peculiarly sparse surroundings she bumps into people that seem to know her and places she finds eerily familiar despite never having been there before. Alice tries to piece together the events of her supposed previous visit to Garma and try to hold onto her sanity as things become ever more paranoically confused.......

That's pretty much it plot-wise folks. And I loved every second of it!

'Alice's adventures in Garma-land' is essentially an atmospheric low-key Lynchian-lite mystery dressed up as a giallo with dreamlike cinematography (Vittorio Storaro; Apocalypse Now) and anchored by another solid performance from Bolkan. Throw in some ecologically apocalyptic dialogue and stock Italian creepy ginger little girl (Nicoletta Elmi; Bay Of Blood, Who Saw Her Die, Deep Red) mix in some trippy B&W nightmarish flashbacks set on the moon and round it all off with a haunting score by oscar winner Nicola Piovani (Life Is Beautiful) - it all makes for quite an experience.

Random unrelated publicity shot of Florinda. Well you don't want another one of Klaus do you?

Despite the somewhat open ended narrative the only questions that really bothered me after the fact were: why is this DVD rated 18 and what the hell is it doing on the Shameless label at all? I like my Shameless euro-trash, you know I do, but this one really doesn't seem to fit in with their exploitation releases thus far. So gorehound/horror fans beware just because it slots in with the rest on your shelf doesn't mean it's another slice of slasher pie BUT give it a chance and you just might be pleasantly surprised. Oh and it seems it's 18 rating is due to the additional content on the disc (namely 20 Shameless trailers) as the film itself garnered a relatively cheery family friendly 12 rating from the BBFC!

Extras of note include an alternate Italian language audio track (with english subs), a promo archive (nice pics of the film's various VHS covers, etc), image gallery, original trailer and a hilarious little US video spot that changes the movie's title to Primal Impulse and proclaims 'starring Klaus Kinski!' he's onscreen for about 60 seconds combined total FFS! Should also be noted that this is a ‘Shameless Fan Edition’ - scenes long excised from the movie have been obtained from the best surviving prints possible, regardless of the quality, and reinserted in order to restore the film to the director's originally intended vision, some of these short scenes have Italian audio and english subs and are of variable quality.

Florinda always 'accidentally' put a special pic in with her holiday snaps!

Not obsessed, really.........

Moments #1 - Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Call New Orleans (2009)

2010-03-31T06:54:00.000-07:00

Moments of transcendent filmic perfection (aka shit that made me chuckle)....... #1

The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans (2009)
Director: Werner Herzog
Cast: Nicolas Cage, Val Kilmer, Eva Mendes, etc.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1095217/

In between bouts of slapping around grannies, sweating with back pain, losing money betting on sports and stealing (and consuming) copious amounts of drugs Lt. Terence McDonagh (Nic Cage) gets in a bit of actual police work; while surveilling a building across the street with fellow officers he notices something a little out of place in the apartment -

Terence McDonagh: [Hallucinating] What are these fuckin' iguanas doing on my coffee table.
Stevie Pruit: There ain't no iguana.
Terence McDonagh: ...Yeah, there are.
Stevie Pruit: There ain't no iguana.
Terence McDonagh: What the fuck is that?
[taps it]
Terence McDonagh: Fuckin' iguana.
Iguana: [Singing] Please release me, let me go. For I don't love you anymore.

Competition CLOSED - The Antichrist (Anchor Bay) R1 DVD Giveaway

2010-03-28T17:46:00.000-07:00

Competition Closed. Winner: Sandy in England, YGM!

Wanna win The Antichrist (Anchor Bay) R1 DVD reviewed below?

Got just the one to give away.

All you have to do is answer these three cult movie questions

1) What's the name of the film featured in my Midnight Special banner above?
2) What connects this film to TV's The Simpsons.
3) What connects this film to TV's Dexter.

E-mail your answers to: gpr79@operamail.com

Winner will be chosen at random in 7 days time.

The Antichrist (1974)

2010-03-28T17:00:00.000-07:00

The Antichrist (1974)
aka L'anticristo
Director: Alberto De Martino
Cast: Carla Gravina, Mel Ferrer, Anita Strindberg, Umberto Orsini, Alida Valli, Remo Girone, etc.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071150/

Absolutely bonkers spaghetti-Exorcist rip-off made less than 6 months after Friedkins' original busted genre box office records.

Ippolita (Carla Gravina) has been crippled since a childhood car accident but doctors can't find anything physically wrong with her (other than being a freckly po-faced ginge obviously). In her desperation to find a cure she visits a sweaty, culty backroom, touch-the-holy-relic-heal-yourself type event along with her father Massimo (Mel Ferrer) but she stumbles and falls on her way to touch the statue. Bit strange that she doesn't get another go really, is it only one attempt per person then? She just kinda gets up and leaves. Oh and a demonically possessed bloke (got some green shit on the side of his mouth, that's how you can tell) isn't having any of it, he gets the hell out of there, runs up a wee hill and jumps off into a terrible little bit of rear projection FX that makes him look like he's flying Flash Gordon Hawkman-style down the hill.

Flash! A-aaaaaaarghhhhhh!

Ippolita grumbles and mumbles about how she's never gonna get a shag all the way back home in the back of daddy's limo to the family mansion where her nanny/housekeeper Irene (Alida Valli) and androgynous brother Filippo (Remo Girone) wait with bated breath. Nope she's still in the wheelchair, oh well better luck next time!

Listen honey I need me some sweet lovin, you in or out?

At a party the next day Ippolita meets Dr Marcello Sinibaldi (Umberto Orsini) a psychiatrist that seems to think he can use hypnosis to cure her psychologically and thus physically. During this regression therapy Ippolita relives the car accident but Sinibaldi makes her go further back to a past life in which she was a heretic witch (same actress but blonde and slutty, nice) that was put on trial by the church. Nice flashbacks here, was it the distant past or a post-apocalyptic Brazil-ian dystopia - the decor makes it unclear. Quacktastic Dr Sinibaldi starts spouting complete bollocks at this point "Yes we can cure this woman by clearing up the trauma of her ancestor. You see the personality of a dead person can live on in another person at an unconscious level, especially if that person is marginally psychic like Ippolita".

That sound is David Cronenberg jackin it...........

Turns out she might just be a bit psychic after all though because around about this time Massimo's getting frisky with his Swedish student Greta (Anita Strindberg, well who wouldn't) and Ippolita is 'feeling it' - boy has she got some daddy issues! Cue a brilliantly realised little surreal dream/past-life-memory sequence that cuts between Strindberg getting naked, Ippolita writhing about in ecstasy on her four poster bed (also naked) under a rear projection blue sky and blonde witch Ippolita (yup, naked again) taking part in a bizarre orgy in a graveyard. Over the wall crazy shit in this sequence includes the ripping apart of a frog (Gravina eats the head) and...well...how can I put this....let's just say Ippolita tosses a mean goat salad, daaaaaaaaamn! Felt a sudden urge to scrub my tongue with bleach after this scene. Oh plus the invisible man rape bit seen here long before Verhoeven's Hollow Man or Babs Hershey in The Entity for that matter.

I think she's had enough. Who's the designated driver tonight Bob?

All this gets Ippo going apparently because no sooner has she showered (and hopefully brushed her teeth) than she's out the door and grabbing herself a blonde-haired toyboy to hump silly during a tour of the coliseum - she's quite the shag apparently as the poor boy ends up with his head twisted all the way around!

Damn she was good!

After another sesh with Dr Bollocks we're told she is now cured and indeed she does get up and walk! Let's celebrate with some dinner. The festivities don't last long however as Ippo starts choking on meat, drooling and talking about cock quite a bit. Guess who's come to dinner......legs akimbo on the table, that can't be hygienic. Hilarious dialogue here from Dr Bollocks; "It's all in her mind" he shouts amidst a Fantasia-like scene of flying paintings and plates. Hell even the furniture's trying to get the fuck out of there and has to be held down! It's shortly after this that the doc decides he's had enough and bows out of the picture - what a guy, he's brought out bloody Satan; might as well have pulled his trousers down and dropped a steaming turd on their persian rug and now he's apologetically sidling out of the front door.

Dammit I always burn my mouth on those McDonald's apple pies!

Housekeeper Irene however is made of sterner stuff. After spotting Ippo getting a little incestuous with creepy sibling manchild Filippo she decides enough is enough and heads down to the village to hire a badass local 'fixer' or skeezy old tramp that knows a few demon banishing tricks so....

**ding, ding** Round One. Trampy McExorcist Vs Satan. Trampy gets off to a good start with some voodoo doll pricking. But no; Satan was just pretending to be affected and laughs at him. Trampy pulls out his essential oils and starts daubing Ippo. Satan responds by disconnecting Ippo's arm and having it strangle Trampy from all the way across the room. Trampy's on the ropes now. Satan pulls out all the stops and makes Ippo levitate (very unconvincingly) out of the window and then back into the room, wow! To top it all off Ippo spits out some green shit and makes Trampy lick it out the palm of her hand. DEFEAT!

Aren't I lucky, I got a chunky bit!

**ding, ding** Round Two. The Bishop (of PAIN) Vs Satan. In goes Ippo's uncle Bishop Ascanio Oderisi (Arthur Kennedy, slumming it). The Bishop has a poor showing here, nervous and sweaty from the start he can't handle the pressure and all it really takes is a few insults, the setting on fire of his bible and the sight of Ippo's vadge to make him run out of the room and call the Vatican for assistance. DEFEAT!

Muff said.........

**ding, ding** Round Three. The Austrian Monk Vs Satan. They've called in the sandal clad beast that is Father Mittner (George Coulouris) to put an end to the horned one. By now poor Ippo looks pretty much like Gollum in a nightie and she's taken to controlling her wheelchair with her mind (so it's Satan that powers Patrick Stewart's chair in X-Men, I knew it!) and she's got a wind machine and a seemingly endless stream of 45 rpm singles to throw at this old geezer. He also takes Irene in for backup, good call seeing as she gets the faceful of green shit this time.

Phew, that was close!

I won't spoil the end for you. I will say it involves a huge wooden cross and the first ever Catholic church approved abortion. Yes she did shag Bowie wannabe Filippo, no matter how much he shakes his head, we know he did it.

Thoroughly enjoyed this one. Over the top Exorcist clone - stop being silly and trying to compare this one to The Exorcist web reviewers - enjoy it for what it is. Cinematography by Aristide Massaccesi (that's right Joe D'Amato himself), score by Ennio Morricone & Bruno Nicolai! And featuring a veritable who's who of genre talent.

My Dear Killer (1972) - Shameless DVD #11

2010-03-26T09:05:00.000-07:00

My Dear Killer (1972)
aka Mio caro assassino
Director: Tonino Valerii
Cast: George Hilton, Salvo Randone, William Berger, Marilù Tolo, Piero Lulli.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067434/

Whats this? A giallo with a power saw killing that I haven't seen? Inconceivable! (Yes I watched Princess Bride again recently, what of it!) Nice cover, well the one with the power saw, the other one looks like a visual representation of tedium. I recognise the director's name from multiple viewings of the Dollar's trilogy as well as My Name Is Nobody but there's nary a nag in sight here. OK let's get watching....

A nice day by the lake becomes a nice pre-credits decapitation sequence as insurance investigator Paradisi (moron) fails to notice the murderous intentions of the bloke in the bulldozer behind him.

Ow, ow, ow, owieeee, ow.

Enter super sleuth Inspector Luca Peretti (George Hilton aka The Tache) and his grizzled can't-be-arsed old sidekick Maro. Peretti instantly deduces that there's been some foul play and he's gonna investigate the shit out of it!

There's bin a murrrrrder! (RIP Mark McManus)

Starting with the filthy old gyppo and his cadaverous girlfriend that live near the lake. He get's sweet FA from these two except unsolicited info on their sex lives (shudder) so he moves on. But first it's dinner with the wife and surely there's some sort of bi-polarity going on with this couple - marvel at the speed with which they go from laughing over dinner to chucking insults at each other to trying to make a baby via the most awkward onscreen kissing ever filmed!

Any old iron............

Turns out Paradisi was onto something relating to the kidnapping and death of a little girl and her father which opens up a whole new line of enquiry for The Tache. Faced with further explaining the plot I find I'd rather slice my fingers off with a rusty hacksaw....one by one...so suffice to say it's long on complications and sadly short on inventive killings; a hanging, a strangling and a powersaw that needs sharpening as it doesn't seem to actually slice the skin. The inimitable Tache does a lot of pacing, looking concerned, talking to suspects and babbling inconsequentially with his pal Maro (lots of very Italian hand gestures permeate these supposedly expositionary interludes).

Dance monkey boy, dance!

He also seems to have a softspot for kiddie fiddlers; while questioning sweaty sculptor Beniamino (who hereafter shall be known as Sculpty McPedo) The Tache spectacularly does nothing when he sees a naked pre-pubescent child walking around Scultpy's studio. He just kinda stares at Sculpty, walks away, turns, stares some more, walks away. That's your tax dollars hard at work right there people of whatever-city-this-movie-is-set-in. Similarly later on he's questioning another suspect and tells him that if he talks we'll tear up the report on that previous little incident when he was caught in bed with a 12 year old! Wait...WHAAAT? I was shocked and offended! Then I noticed the 70's style purple, yellow and brown curtains and was violently sick all over myself. This scene does however feature the best line of the film as The Tache threatens his suspect's bodyguard "Don't try it baldy. Gorillas nearly always end up in the zoo".

Another memorable bit of dialogue; The Tache's line to the grieving mother as she shows him her little girls photograph - "Hmmm, yes it's a remarkable likeness" - I'll be using that whenever I'm shown baby pictures from now on, genius! Anyway; more sleuthing, more chatting, more baby making - although he does stop mid-hump to phone Maro and chat some more.

I was just fucking my wife and it came to me!

Things do eventually reach a conclusion with an Agatha Christie style drawing room roundup as The Tache finally gets to play the part of his uber-tached hero Poirot. He saunters around the room revelling in his 15 minutes of fame while the poor suspects sit there thinking please just get on with it. Sculpty McPedo is there as well having a little shitfit on the sofa, dry cleaning will be necessary. Things go all Inspector Clouseau in the last few seconds as The Tache finally gets to the point and reveals the worst piece of evidence in cinematic history EVER and the lights go out! Then go back on! The killer has dived behind a sofa for some reason and is crying like a baby. THE END.

So not what I was expecting at all really. Basically an Italian-style 70's whodunnit with a mild spattering of gore and some Argento-gialli influenced (black gloved killer's POV) murders. Morricone's score is so understated that I missed it! Dare I say it was all a bit boring.....

The zit wasn't ready for bursting.

**Spoilers** Why didn't headless first victim Paradisi recognise the one armed killer, he'd met him before hadn't he? At the very least wasn't he concerned about having a one armed bloke operating heavy machinery? Told you he was a moron, thought I was just being cheeky didn't you!

Flavia The Heretic (1974) - Shameless DVD #07

2010-03-24T07:29:00.000-07:00

Dipping yet again into my pile of unwatched, unloved trash this week another of Shameless Screen Entertainment's lovely lurid yellow covers poked through and screamed to finally be viewed........

Flavia, The Heretic (1974)
aka Flavia, la monaca musulmana
Director: Gianfranco Mingozzi
Cast: Florinda Balkan, Anthony Higgins, etc.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071507/

First off kudos to Shameless for the reversible dvd cover, I went for the one on the right!

Fifteenth century Italy; Muslims Vs Christians, a precocious Christian girl, Flavia, watches the battle and catches the eye of a young Muslim soldier, hello sailor, her father notices and decapitates the heretic, his head wasn't in the game apparently. The girl then gets sent to a convent. A short Cell Block H-style montage later and Flavia's all grown up (into Florinda Balkan of Lizard In A Woman's Skin & Candy cult fame) - she's not ecstatic about being a nun though.

The flying nuns forgot their parachutes again!

Things liven up for the cloistered when the cult of the tarantula comes a-calling, essentially a squad of drugged up hippies that gatecrash the monastery and proceed to hump the walls and make a general nuisance of themselves while singing the 'tarantula song' before being ejected. Unfortunately one of the nuns succumbed to the lure of the tarantula (she of the left dvd cover) and got a bit sweaty. The punishment for this? Five Hail Marys and three Our Fathers...nah only joking, it's torture and death of course (via scalding and nipple slicing)!

Flavia's serious face.

Flavia's had enough of this male dominated religion, world, post-apocalyptic wasteland (well it might as well be) so legs it out of the convent with her father's Jewish accountant, in no time at all they're both caught and Flavia is flogged, she got off lightly IMHO after what happened to the last penguin. A little while later Flavia goes on a trip to market with batshit crazy Sister Anges and her big stick. Agnes' brief lesson in public urination and masturbation is cut short however when those crazy Muslims attack again. Flavia understandably figures WTF, how bad can they be compared to the Christians she knows and despises already so before you can shout HERETIC! she's jumped on a horse with diminutive pretty boy Muslim Ahmed (Anthony Higgins, wasn't he in Law & Order UK last week, he was!) and eventually off the horse and into the sack. Despite basically telling Ahmed he's a crap shag she still convinces him to help her get her revenge. Scenes of depravity ensue at the convent as the Muslims provide the nuns with hallucinogenic drugs and everyone loses their shit in grand style.

Sister Livia - convent hide and seek champion 1462

Wimples-a-go-go night soon becomes whoops-everyones-dead morning and Flavia rides out with Ahmed to finally confront her father. She kits herself out in armour and weilds a sword because you know she's had all that weapons training, wait I mean nun training? Anyway I won't spoil it for you but let's just say things don't go great for Flay-via in the end!

OK I will spoil it for you.

By the look of it I was all set for a bit of medieval style nunsploitation but I was pleasantly surprised by this one in that it takes things a little more seriously than your average Italian exploitation flicks of the time, or at least it tries to. The cinematography, effective haunting melody and Balkan's acting are all quite good. The attempts at serious feminism become somewhat laughable however in a film containing this much copious female nudity and sexual torture. The men in the film don't exactly get off lightly either with a couple of spike-meet-bottom situations and even a horse de-bollocking thrown in for metaphorical good measure.

Might have to try a few more of these Shameless titles...........Sister Livia agrees........

Mmmmm, jam.

The Church (1989)

2010-03-21T07:57:00.000-07:00

Still reeling from the slack-jawed snoozefest that was Survival Of The Dead I dejectedly plunged my hand into a pile of unsorted horror dvds safe in the firm belief that no matter what I ended up with I'd definitely seen worse. Clutched in my palsied grip was the Anchor Bay release of -

The Church (1989)
Director: Michele Soavi
Cast: Hugh Quarshie, Tomas Arana, Asia Argento, Barabara Cupisti, Giovanni Lombardo Radice, etc.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094860//

Late 80's Argento produced, Michele Soavi directed slice of Italian atmos-horror.

It all kicks off in medieval times with a Pythonesque band of Teutonic Knights (one of em looks like a reject from the new romantic wave) clopping around looking for some people to slaughter. Lucky for them here comes a stinky tramp, no wait, it's a priest with some intel on the location of a pagan sect ripe for killing so off they go. Brief bit of checking that the harmless looking hippies are indeed evil incarnate, cross burned into the foot of one of em, check, let's get beheading lads! General consensus seems to be that a church built over the mass graves will prevent the demonic hippies from coming back to life, any excuse to cover up an atrocious war crime really. Oh and there's a wicker-basket-masked little thing running about that turns out to be pre-pubescent pug faced little munter Asia Argento, put the mask back on her!

I'm not evil, really I'm not!

Cut to the present, look at that big old medieval church, oooh scary. Tomas Arana plays Evan, an incredibly boring librarian with an Indiana Jones complex and no sexual chemistry at all, especially with love interest Lisa (Barbara Cupisti) - he's come to catalogue the church's many ancient texts and awkwardly try and get into Lisa's pants.

Wait, what are we looking at again?

Asia Argento, confusingly, is still about as well, this time as Lotte the sacristan's daughter, often sneaking out at night in what I imagine is an attempt to get most of the city's male population locked up for statutory rape, she's only 14. We're also introduced to the church's holy trinity of priests; favourite genre victim Giovanni Lombardo Radice, cranky old bishop Feodor Chaliapin Jr. and (I shit you not) Holby City's very own Dr Ric Griffin (Hugh Quarshie) as Father Gus, he enjoys a spot of archery when he's not preaching to the perverted.

Asia. Not 14 in this picture.

Anyway before you know it Evan's found a hole....in the basement unfortunately for everyone. Aaaaand here comes the evil.

D'oh!

Cue Evan being strangled by hands sprouting forth from an old sack, but not really, and Evan pulling his heart out thru his stomach, but not really and other things apparently happening but not really - hallucinations it seems. A two minute scene in this section of the film tickled me pink - Lisa kneels uncomfortably on her bed messily eating jam sandwiches when she hears a noise outside. It's only an animatronic demonic (probably lesbionic) goat creature licking the window pane, likely craving some jam. It smashes it's way in, she legs it into the bathroom with her phone, calls the old bill and then without warning promptly does a spectacular header out a closed window landing without a scratch in her back garden where she is assailed terrifyingly by a tartan blanket and stumbles into the swiftest coppers in movie history - brilliant scene, should be put out as a short movie. Round about this time Evan's in his office bashing 6666666 out on his typewriter and sweating like a rapist when in walks Asia Argento, he tries, she legs it, I assume demonic possession will be his defence, the dirty bastard.

Mmmmm, jam.

Back at the church Father Gus is having words with old codger priest, on the rooftop, in the pounding rain, in gale force wind, whoops there goes the old man over the side, "whhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyy" cries Gus, well duh! Turns out the church has a lockdown mechanism that's been put into action just in case the evil reawakened or something so the place is now locked down tighter than an otters pocket with an assortment of tourists inside (if this bit seems reminiscent of Demons that'll be because this flick was originally envisaged as Demons 3). The shit hits the fan at this point with a demonic piranha jumping out of the holy water, a green winged demon looking for love, the impalement of a speccy teacher, a bride's face melting off, an industrial accident involving a jackhammer, an OAP using her hubbies severed head to bash a bell and a woman being hit full in the face by an express train. Oh and the reappearance of goatman who finally gets lucky with Lisa.....on an altar.....while people watch. Unfortunately spoilsport Father Gus has figured out how to hit the sweetspot - the mechanism that will bring down the whole church to protect the outside world from eeeevil - and he promptly does so, putting an end to a real shitkicker of a soiree that I was just beginning to enjoy dammit!

Is it in yet?

With 8 credited writers and Argento (put my daughter in the film, now put my lover in the film!) reportedly breathing down Soavi's neck for most of the shoot it's shocking that this film isn't just a complete and total mess - it's actually fun and, for the first half at least, reasonably well made and atmospheric. And so very much better than Survival Of The Dead.....

So that's good night from me and good night from goatman.......

Hi ma, I'm in pictures!

Coming Soon: City of the Living Dead (R2/UK BD) in May

2010-03-18T08:54:00.000-07:00

Fulci classic City of the Living Dead will be released on two-disc DVD (£17.99) and single-disc Blu-ray (£22.99). The full list of extras is as follows:

Newly recorded audio commentary by actor Giovanni Lombardo Radice
Audio commentary by actress Catriona MacColl and author Jay Slater
Introduction to the film by star Carlo De Mejo
‘Carlo Of The Living Dead featurette
‘The Many Lives And Deaths Of Giovanni Lombardo Radice’ featurette
‘Dame Of The Dead’ featurette
‘Fulci’s Daughter: Memories Of The Italian Gore Maestro’ featurette
‘Penning Some Paura’ featurette
‘Profondo Luigi: A Colleague’s Memories Of Lucio Fulci’ featurette
Catriona MacCall and Giovanni Lombardo Radice Q&A session at the Glasgow Film Theatre
‘Fulci In The House – The Italian Master Of Splatter’ featurette.

UK exclusive features directed by Calum Waddell and edited and produced by Naomi Holwill with associate producer Nick Frame.

Avoid: Survival Of The Dead (2009)

2010-03-18T08:44:00.000-07:00

Couple of days ago a friend asked me if this was any good. I stopped, brain frozen, a simple NO just doesn't do this one justice. I eventually replied it's bloodyfuckingawful. So disheartened am I by this epic turkey I can't even face doing a full review so I'm just making a few comments.

I once read that Stephen King's rambling overlong novels stem from the fact that editors are pretty much scared to edit him these days, he is after all a ridiculously successful author. Has something similar happened to George A. Romero perhaps? Why wasn't this script thrown out the minute it mentioned two Irish families squabbling over how to treat the undead on their little island. Or a zombie girl riding a horse. What's with the terrible acting? Cheap local Canadian casting I guess but come on - this is a Romero zombie flick! They might've had trouble recruiting A-list Hollywood talent but you're telling me genre stalwarts like Tony Todd and Jeffrey Coombs weren't on standby just begging for a part in this?

Besides a handful of inventive CG gore effects this one is truly worthless. As for the knowing attempts at humour, pah! Go rent Zombieland again. On the upside at least this one makes Diary Of The Dead and particularly Land Of The Dead seem like masterpiece's in retrospect.

Top Ten - Zombie Flicks

2010-03-12T07:50:00.000-08:00

If there's one thing I hate more than blogs, it's top ten lists. So in a wholly appropriate act of perversity here's a top ten list of zombie flicks posted on my blog......

You won't find anything from the last decade on this list, as good as the likes of Rec and 28 Days Later might be they aren't classics yet IMHO. I'm also choosing to leave out foreign made flicks like Fulci's The Beyond as I feel they don't really fit this genre (they need a list all of their own), ah hell let's subtitle this Top Ten US/Canadian Zombie Flicks, OK, you happy now? See why I don't like Top Ten lists?

10. Night Of The Living Dead (Tom Savini, 1990)
Romero scripted pro-feminist colour remake. Pretty good.

9. The Serpent And The Rainbow (Wes Craven, 1987)
Bill Pullman gets zombified by demented Haitian chief of police.

8. Rabid (David Cronenberg, 1976)
Real-life porn diva Marilyn Chambers becomes the undead's very own Typhoid Mary.

7. Carnival Of Souls (Herk Harvey, 1962)
Dysfunctional female organist drifts through nightmare limbo of arthouse fun-fair expressionism.

6. Phantasm (Don Coscarelli, 1978)
Brilliantly incomprehensible dwarf zombie-in-a-can, funeral parlour space mystery. "Boooooooy!"

5. The Evil Dead (Sam Raimi, 1982)
Raimi's hardcore first effort. Still pretty scary.

4. Day Of The Dead (George A Romero, 1985)
Mad scientist attempts to avert the apocalypse by getting zombies to read Stephen King novels. For some reason this plan is not entirely successful.

3. Dawn Of The Dead (George A Romero, 1979)
America eats it's own in shopping mall hell.

2. Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn (Sam Raimi, 1987)

Originally intended to be entitled Evil Dead 2: Who's Laughing Now, Raimi's sequel/remake comes on like the goriest movie the Three Stooges never made. With whiplash-inducing camerawork and dialogue reduced to a bare minimum - "Tool shed!" "Let's go!" - luckless hero Ash is once again trapped in a remote cottage (previously used in The Colour Purple) and assailed by demons that can only be despatched by "the act of bodily dismemberment". Raimi neatly gets around censors by replacing the Deadites' blood with gooey green slime and smoke, enabling him to fill the screen with flying body parts. That's not to say Evil Dead 2 is anaemic - anything but: the blood still flows, but out of more traditional places such as the human victims and, of course, the walls. Despite a very slight return to form in 2009's Drag Me To Hell it seems unlikely that Raimi will ever replicate these grand guignol excesses.
Best Bit: Ash getting his act together A-Team style, fitting his stump with a chainsaw: "Groovy!"

1. Night Of The Living Dead (George A Romero, 1969)

In the winter of 1968 - with no script, no professional actors and just $6000, mostly donated by a butcher that also provided the entrails - Pittsburgh art student George A Romero made the most influential horror film of the last 40 years. Like Hitchcock's psycho, Romero moved out of mythic darkness and into the bleached daylight of modern America. The film's plot - small group of people holed up in a farmhouse are besieged by flesh-eating zombies - is of less interest than what Romero does with it. A visually ugly, documentary-style welt of gore-realism, Night Of The Living Dead presents a nightmare world of no law, no order and no good-triumphing-over-evil. It also took horror into the realm of the political. Ben, the notional hero, is black. All the zombies are white. When white vigilantes finally come to the 'rescue' their advance looks just like another zombie attack. The films in it's wake were often gorier and occasionally more professional - but this is still the most terrifying one of all.
Best Bit: Romero's comment on the American family unit: a little zombie girl stabs her mother with a trowel. And then eats her.

Avoid: Possession (2009)

2010-03-07T07:22:00.000-08:00

Possession

Stars: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Lee Pace & Michael Landes.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0368563/

Surely the dumbest film of 2010!

Despite being completed in 2007 and shelved due to the company's bankruptcy this film finally gets a straight to dvd release this month.

Jessica (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and Ryan (Michael Landes) are soulmates who have just hit their one year wedding anniversary and are still as sickeningly in love as they have ever been, he writes her love letters constantly, she looks at him longingly every chance she gets. The one little fly in their love ointment seems to be Ryan's brother Roman (lanky Lee Pace from TV's Pushing Daisies totally unconvincing here as a hard man) a tattooed up ex-con that's living with them and seems to fancy Jessica, well she finds him a bit creepy, what with all his moody leaning against the wall smoking and the like, so looks like he's gonna get booted out of the house. He's way ahead of her of course, packing his bags and out the door before you can say sexual tension. His brother goes after him and BOOM! the assholes collide with each other in the worlds most unfeasible car accident on the golden gate bridge and both end up in life-threatening comas.

Cue lots of weeping and re-reading of stacks of love letters and looking at photos, etc from Jessica until a few months later when Roman comes out of the coma. Can you guess? Can you? Yup, bad boy Roman insists he is actually loverboy Ryan. He's got no other family so Jessica takes him home where he continues to insist he's actually her husband. He's all sensitive now, he knows things that only Ryan would know, hell he doesn't even smoke or swear anymore! This definitive evidence soon convinces Jessica that her hubby's soul must have migrated into his brother's taller hunkier body and proceeds to get it on with bro-in-law married style. It all goes swimmingly until a visit from Roman's masochistic ex-girlfriend and her mysterious disappearance shortly thereafter plus some guff about a necklace finally leads Jessica to suspect that maybe Roman is talking shite after all. But how could he know all those things? HOW? It's not like there's a written history of Jessica and Ryan's relationship in love letter form complete with annotated photos and collected trinkets - D'OH!

Yeah it really is that dumb....

The final act unconvincingly throws in a little bit of a supernatural story element but it's too late, the audience has left. So ends another Buffy-centric Asian thriller remake (Jungdok from back in 2002 for those interested), I hope she doesn't get coaxed into doing anymore. To be fair at least this one wasn't as coma-inducing as her previous attempt at a very similar story (2006's The Return) although it does reprise and extend the theme of Buffy looking morose while slooooooowly walking down corridors as if something might jump out at any second (but never does).

Avoid at all costs folks, it's bad enough I had to suffer through this.........

Kong responds to critics

2010-03-03T09:47:00.000-08:00

Bad Timing

2010-03-01T15:30:00.000-08:00

Glasgow Frightfest 2010 - Day Two - Five Films

2010-03-01T12:12:00.001-08:00

Glasgow Frightfest 2010, Day Two, Sat 27th Feb - Glasgow Film Theatre

**No spoilers here, just a brief review of each film.**

I didn't bother with day one as it was only 3 films; one of which I've seen and 2 of which I couldn't care less about. By all accounts all 3 were crap and the most eventful part of the night was a drunken fight that broke out during the final film Stag Night, how appropriate.

Anyway on to day two; we kicked off about 2pm with a welcome from Alan Jones and a round of Trailer Trash. Hilariously bad movies of yesteryear included -

70's Hong Kong actioner and Lazenby/Bond cash-in Stoner

70's aussie exploitation thriller Outback

and 80's sci-fi insanity The Time Guardian

Then we're into the first film of the day..........

Lizard In A Woman's Skin (1971)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067361/

Early Giallo from euro-trash goremeister Lucio Fulci and one of his best films in my humble opinion. Here we are being treated to a preview of the most complete cut of the film (soon to be released on DVD) containing all elements brought together from the previous versions in an attempt to make up for the failure that was the Shriek Show DVD release.

Carol Hammond (Florinda Bolkan) suffers from vivid and disturbing dreams involving sex, murder and debauchery. One particularly vibrant dream involves a sapphic encounter with her hedonistic party girl neighbour, Julia Durer (Anita Strindberg), ending in Julia's death. The next day, when Julia is in fact found dead with Carol's coat and knife on the scene, Carol is immediatley the prime suspect. Her husband, Frank (Jean Sorel), and her father (Leo Genn), set out to prove her innocence, but with even Carol wondering if she did in fact kill Julia, answers are clearly not going to come easily. Adding further confusion to the mix are a couple of hippies who seem intent on doing away with Carol, her mysterious step-daughter Joan (Ely Galleani), and the canny whistling Inspector Corvin (Stanley Baker), who suspects that there is more to this mystery than meets the eye.

Fulci shows restraint in this psychedelic tale of murder, obsession and creepy hippies and it really does work for him here as this becomes almost the flipside to Argento's over-stylised, black-gloved Gialli - it's patchy 70's combos of dialogue, action and fast zooms only adding to it's charm. I hadn't seen this one in over a decade, certainly never in a wonderful festival atmosphere like this in which every line of unintentionally hilarious dialogue elicits roars of laughter from the audience..........

- "Round up every redhead, make sure not one gets through."
- "Lucky we're not in Ireland."

- "That neighbor of yours that makes all the noise, what's happened to her?"
- "She was murdered."
- "I'm not surpised."

- "Nobody else saw two hippies!"

After the lead actress (taking some time to relax in a voluntary mental institute) stumbles into a nightmarish room containing vivisected but still seemingly alive dogs, flayed, hanging from the walls, the doctor tells our shell-shocked heroine.....
- "I'm terribly sorry, that door should have been locked."

The superb dream sequences set to Ennio Morricone's trippy score (his only collaboration with Fulci) looked stunning on the big screen as do the leading ladies Bolkan and Strindberg, faces made for film. Frankly I would have been happy sitting through five gialli in a row but hey the next film on the list is a critically acclaimed homage to these classics of cult cinema, Alan Jones has just told us how much he enjoyed it, sounds great right?...........

Amer (2009)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1426352/

Belgian made homage to the Giallo genre, introduced by co-directors Hélène Cattet & Bruno Forzani.

Plot synopsis from IMDB - Three key moments, all of them sensual, define Ana's life. Her carnal search sways between reality and colored fantasies becoming more and more oppressive. A black laced hand prevents her from screaming. The wind lifts her dress and caresses her thighs. A razor blade brushes her skin, where will this chaotic and carnivorous journey leave her?

If you think that synopsis is hazy you should try watching the damn thing. Rule #1 of film festival survival; get an aisle seat. I foolishly got up after the first film and promptly lost my prime spot to a big hairy biker bloke and his tatted-up missus. Boy did I regret it. Essentially trapped into my corner seat I was forced to endure this excruciatingly interminable exercise in student wankerism. I'm sure it was only 90 mins or the like but it felt like bloody years!

Don't get me wrong, it's no exaggeration to say that every single frame of this film is a lovingly crafted homage to the classic Gialli, a genre which I dearly love by the way. Every shot is beautiful, technically brilliant, the same goes for the soundtrack. But it essentially feels like a short film that just won't end or an overly pretentious Renualt Clio advert that refuses to get to the sales pitch. Amongst all the relentless homaging they seem to have forgotten the most obvious element of the thriller genre - a bloody story! Yes, yes; it's an existential, dreamlike fantasy/nightmare of twisted repressed desire but does it absolutely have to be so tedious? And that opinion is coming from a die-hard fan of Tarkovsky and Béla Tarr! The first 30 mins is a little girl's POV as she creeps around a big house, doors slam, close-ups of eyes at keyholes, mouths, feet stomping, in fact it started to feel a bit like Stomp were in the house! I would have left the theatre before the end of the first act to seek out some food as it is I was fated to sit through act two in which said little girl is now a teen and goes a walk with her mother, bumps into some bikers - that's another 30 mins right there. And into the final act - girl now a woman returns to the creepy house she grew up in and is terrorised all too briefly by a black-gloved serial killer [please I beg you, kill that pouting gap toothed bitch now]. Cue some close up face slashing and an attempt at flossing with a straight razor aaaand we're spent.

I've no doubt that film critics/students will love this one and dissect it for years to come. I decided to leave the theatre before the Q&A with the directors began for fear I might actually go down and dissect one of them physically. Apparently the title translates as Bitter, how very succinct. Nice poster, shame about the movie.

After some food and a round of slag the Belgian (directors, that is) we headed back with the firm belief that things couldn't get any worse............

Wrong again it seems, although to be fair, this particular little bit of awfulness only lasted about 20 mins. Jake West, he of Evil Aliens and Razor Blade Smile fame(?) comes on all cowboy boots and twitchy leg (looking suspiciously like an aging rocker) and proceeds to try and sell us on the tale that had it not been for studio interference his latest film Doghouse would have been some kind of grand statement about the battle of the sexes in the new millenium. As proof of this he introduces 12 mins of never-before-seen deleted scenes that essentially add up to 12 mins of cut Danny Dyer lads-mag style 'witty' one-liners and an alternate ending in which the lads get their arses out. Yeah that's told em!

Thank god it's time for what (we hope) will be the highlight of the event........

[Rec] 2 (2009)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1245112/

70 mins after the events of [Rec] a SWAT team and a medical officer are sent into the zombie-virus ridden warren of a Spanish building to see what became of it's residents and the rescuers trapped inside.

Loved the first one so already sceptical about a sequel. Turns out I had nothing to worry about as what this one may have lost in originality it more than makes up for with sheer fun. The cameras recording the action this time are split between a group of teens' camcorder and those attached to the helmets of the SWAT team making for an Aliens type firstperson horror setup, the creatures can now crawl along the ceilings xenomorph-style as well, nice. Add in a scarred-up shotgunning priest on a mission from God [and the Vatican], a few annoying teens as satisfying zombie fodder (one of them a particularly poor shot!), some inventive gore and a few belly laugh moments for the audience and you can forgive most of the derivative elements from The Exorcist, etc, especially given it's short running time of 80 mins - this one certainly doesn't outstay it's welcome. Only slight groan moment from me was in the resurrection of the nightvision camera and it's reason for being 'useful'. Also didn't hurt that the lead SWAT guy looked like a Spanish Vic Mackey.

All in all definitely the most crowd-pleasing movie of the event. Some fans of the first movie may not appreciate the mutation that the story takes in this one but I liked it and was pleasantly surprised by it, can't wait to see where it leads in [Rec] 3.

After having our faith restored by this movie we were in a somewhat better mood to receive our next special guest; Neil Marshall (director of Doomsday, Dog Soldiers, Descent, etc) and actress Axelle Carolyn, promoting their new film Centurion, the first 5 mins of which we get to see. Click on image below to enlarge. Photo courtesy of Satan's Puppet/Space Duck.

Given that a full couple of mins of this seemed to be the credits sequence we weren't expecting much but as the film fades in on Michael Fassbender running half-naked, hands tied, through the snow the film flashes us back and we are treated to a nice little Roman massacre scene. The first line of the movie bravely [given this is a Glasgow screening] being a Roman soldier bemoaning that Scotland is the arsehole of the world soon leads to a scene of carnage the first victim of which is a urinating sentinel atop the ramparts that takes a spear to his balls ['hehe right in the peas' as the spectator on my left put it] followed by various decapitations.

Which takes us through to.....................

Splice (2009)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1017460/

Directed by Vincenzo Natali (director of Cube, Cypher, Nothing, etc) and starring Sarah Polley and Adrien Brody.

Rebellious geneticists Elsa and Clive defy legal and ethical boundaries and forge ahead with a dangerous experiment: splicing together human and multiple types of animal DNA to create a new organism. Named "Dren", the creature rapidly develops from a deformed infant into a beautiful but possibly dangerous chimera, which forges a dangerous bond with both of it's creators.

Seemingly marketed as a type of genetic Frankenstein movie, this is a very odd film indeed or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that it becomes such as it progresses. Throughout the first and second act it's almost a parable of new parenthood, there are laughs to be had as well as some Cronenbergian gross out moments as Polley and Brody get to grips with the new life they've brought into the world. Helped by some remarkable and at times subtle CG the creature itself is quite vivid. As it grows however and apparently hits puberty the creepy factor starts to increase. The creature now played by stunning french actress/model Delphine Chanéac is to some extent sexually alluring but this isn't Natasha Henstridge in Species folks, this chick has a tale, an amphibian shaped head and, for want of a better term, T-Rex lizard legs! Natali is reported as saying that "this film has no moral boundaries", wasn't sure what he meant until Brody's big scene with the creature during the film's final act. Lucky Natali didn't show up to introduce this one (as he was meant to) because it's unlikely he would have expected the audience's reaction to this intendedly 'dramatic and shocking' scene which was outright laughter! Another violent scene at the very end of the end of the film between the creature and Polley didn't elicit laughter but a kind of groan of disgust from the audience. The final act then veers off on a very strange tangent that left me feeling somewhat mystified, uncomfortable and elated that I'd just witnessed such an insane movie. Doubt I'd want to revisit this one but to some extent I did enjoy it.

As things wind down we're treated to some more free t-shirts, dvds, posters and man-bags while they get ready to show us the final film of the night, the wonderfully titled..........

Harpoon: Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre (2009)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1075749/

Introduced by two of the films actors; Miranda Hennessy (click on the image below to enlarge, photo courtesy of Satan's Puppet/Space Duck) and Terence Anderson. Featuring Gunnar Hansen this is billed as Iceland's first exploitation flick.

Take a trip to the Icelandic fjords and meet slasher horror's new genre; the fishbillies! If there's one thing these broke whalers hate more than not being able to work due to the new restrictions on whaling it's the Greenpeace ("I call them Greenpiss!") loving tourists that want to come and watch the cute whales frolic in the surf. Gunnar Hansen is the captain of the ill-fated whale watching vessel and the tourists/victims include an assortment of backpackers from the US, Germany, Korea, France and Scandinavia. Gunnar doesn't last long, impaled in an accident caused by the drunk frenchie, leaving the rest of the hapless lot to bump into the fishbillies vessel and get the murderball rolling.

This one is just splatterfest fun from start to finish, a handful of nice one-liners.....

Miranda Hennessy - "I've come to realise, well, I mean, I think, I really like you, I, I have feelings for you."
Terence Anderson - "I'm gay."

....and a shitload of messy deaths. It feels like an homage to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre in many respects; the retarded character, the tourist boat in place of the bus, the fishbillies boat in place of the house. Also thoroughly entertaining are the cardboard cutout victims - most of them supremely selfish (apart from Anderson) and in the case of the put-upon Korean servant girl possibly more amoral than the murderous nazi fishbillies themselves!

Nice way to end the festival I thought, I'll be back for more next year!

Michael Bay's Keyboard

2010-02-28T20:34:00.000-08:00

Die Hard - How They Died

2010-02-28T11:47:00.000-08:00

Z-Movie Review - Malibu Shark Attack (2009)

2010-02-23T15:51:00.000-08:00

Malibu Shark Attack (2009)

Cast: Peta Wilson and a bunch of unknowns.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1478325/

Hey don't judge me! You know that film you watch every bloody year, yeah that cheesy one that makes you blubber like a little girl or grin like an idiot with joy, well I watch these z-movies for the same damn reason, get over it! I figure I've made it through Mega-Shark Vs Giant Octopus so how bad can this really be.........

Peta Wilson, formerly the lovely but lethal hitwoman La Femme Nikita (Canadian TV's superior forerunner to Alias), trundles back onto our screens in this direct to video/TV instant classic of the noughties CGI sharkbite genre, it's as if Ed Wood never died. She's looking less lethal, more hefty these days but who cares about that when there's major seismic activity going on off the coast of Malibu (actually filmed in some cheap-ass corner of Australia)! And said earthquaking is causing big holes to appear in the plot, I mean the ocean floor, out of which prehistoric 'Goblin' sharks quickly emerge and start chomping on the locals. For some unknown reason this particular breed of super-dino-shark has a rhinoceros horn atop it's head by the by.

Let me get it out of the way early - this is a bad movie. It's cheap, stilted dialogue, delivered by stilted actors in a lifeguard tower (also on stilts) on the beach but that doesn't stop it from being fun if you like this kind of shit.

Anyway said sharks are already racking up a mildly amusing body count, biting the legs off paragliders and the like, when more of that earthquaky activity hits and yup here comes a 30-foot tsunami to destroy that little low-cost aussie location and of course bring the hungry sharks closer to their dinner. Cue an entire act of the film primarily spent within the confines of said lifeguard tower now encircled by water containing circling sharks. Another couple of classy deaths including the obligatory homage to the Deep-Blue-Sea-Sam-Jackson-ohshitlookout literal shark jump munch. Things take a turn for the better (and the absurd) when they get out of the shack and head to a still-in-construction hotel, also waterlogged, leading to some sharks swimming down the corridors style shenanigans as our soggy protagonists limp away from them and thoroughly fail to find some stairs to run up.

- "Where's George?"
- "I'm sorry there was a shark in the parking lot before before we arrived, if it's any consolation I gutted that shark real good."

He did you know, he blew it up real good. The film probably got a rise out of me the most when the geeky rookie lifeguard trapped in a basement with one of the sharks uses a circular saw to fend it off. As if the movie felt my excitement this scene was quickly followed by another bloke trapped in a workshed finding a chainsaw and, yes indeed, chainsawing shark into sushi. And oh the humanity, the film climaxes in a kind of Basement Chainsaw Massacre wherein the surviving cast attack the final shark with all kinds of petrol powered tools as well as an axe - blood and fins everywhere, nice! All that and an implied threesome with Peta and her current and ex-boyfriend, what more could you ask of a z-movie finale.........

So apparently; not only are "Goblin" sharks extinct they're also extremely rare(?!), metal filing cabinets float, Peta Wilson needs some rent money, navy seals often become lifeguards when they leave the military, oh and flimsy lifeguard towers made of wood can withstand a 30-foot tsunami. Personally I can't wait for the new decade's cgi shark flicks, can you?

The Wizard (1989)

2010-02-11T16:23:00.001-08:00

The Wizard (1989)

Cast: Fred Savage, Beau Bridges, Christian Slater, Jenny Lewis.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098663/

In the halcyon video gaming days of yore, before the internet connected all the 12 years in the world into one big noob pwning network, there was just a bleary eyed kid in his bedroom with a clunky square box and a couple of italian plumbers - no don't call the authorities, it was only The Super Mario Bros. This movie is perhaps a paean to those days of Nintendo-tinged innocence or an embarrassingly out of date guilty pleasure, take your pick.

Fred Savage, child star of 80's TV show The Wonder Years (and the featured serial rapist in an episode of Law & Order: SVU from a couple years ago, damn he was creepy) is in regular proto-adult/precocious child mode here, acting his little fro off at every opportunity as Corey Woods, middle child of Sam Woods (Beau Bridges) a divorced single father bringing up his three sons in the mid-west after the death his daughter some years before. Said tragedy has affected the youngest boy (the twin of the dead girl) to the extent that all he'll say anymore is 'Caaaallifoooornia' in a sort of Governor Schwarzenegger style plaintive wail. Well mom and her new hubby want him put in an institution and Fred's having none of it so he takes his little bro and off they go on a road trip. We all know what Gregg Araki would have done with that little setup but unfortunately this is essentially a Nintendo financed 90 minute commercial so.....

Cue Fred bumping into an equally precocious young runaway (Jenny Lewis) and discovering that little bro Jimmy may be a tard but he sure can play video games. So where else to go but The Ultimate Video Game Championship in California of course. Along the way they'll practice all the latest Nintendo™ games, meet uber-Nintendo youth Lucas and his power glove, a friendly trucker, a kiddie-bothering bounty hunter and most terrifiyingly a pre-pubescent Tobey Maguire. But really the most entertaining part of this, erm, part of the movie is the little b-plot involving Beau Bridges and his eldest son Nick (played by a pre-Nicholson impersonation Christian Slater) as they set out on their own little road trip in pursuit of Fred & Jimmy. Slater and Bridges have fun with it as a disconnected father and son on the road, Slater's brung along his Nintendo and whips it out at every garage or motel, hooks it up and plays away, to his father's irritation. But of course by the end of the film Bridges is up till the wee hours bashing buttons on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in a sweaty wide-eyed frenzy.

As things reach a conclusion, please let there be an end to this, the kids hit Cali and more importantly the climactic 80's staple - the last act, must win contest/race/tournament, etc. What's this, aforementioned Lucas is the kid to beat and what, what, what? There's a new game, you say, A NEW GAME they will have to play to win the final? That'll be Super Mario Bros 3 then. Once all the scenes of hyperbolic 8-bit gaming and italian plumbers sprouting fox-tails going up and down pipes and violating turtles are over; the winner is announced the family comes together and shockingly enough on the road trip home the story comes to a somewhat moving emotional finale as we discover just exactly what all that 'Caaaallifoooornia' guff was about.

Probably best left in the rose-tinted past, it was fun to see the power glove again.

3 Good Little B-Movie Flicks

2010-02-09T09:36:00.000-08:00

In the sea of shit that I watch on a monthly basis I was shocked to find 3 actually quite good little B-movie films this last week.

Firstly Triangle (from director Christopher Smith of Creep & Severance) stars Melissa George and a bunch of unknowns. It's essentially a hybrid of the Spanish thriller Timecrimes and 80's classic Death Ship, but it's fun and Melissa wears hot pants throughout to make her gurning incredulous looks more bearable.

Then there's Give 'em Hell, Malone! (from Russell Highlander Mulcahy) which is a comic book style noir actioner, a toned down Sin City if you like with shades of the recent Punisher War Zone, it even features Doug Hutchison as a psycho pyromaniac called Matchstick. Ving Rhames as Boulder and an unhinged Asian knife chick that likes to suck on lollipops and cut off dudes dangly bits.

And just a couple nights ago I watched Joel Schumacher's latest - Blood Creek. Prison Break's Lincoln Burrows wants revenge on the Nazi occult experimenters that kidnapped him and held him prisoner for 2 years. He's gonna be facing a bloodsucking Nazi demon, a zombie horse, a zombie dog and a couple of, well, regular zombies. Again it's b-movie horror fare but fun!

Rantview - Law Abiding Citizen

2009-12-09T17:18:00.000-08:00

Too many people I know have told me they enjoyed this film so rather than continuing to simply shake my head and walk away I've decided to give it a wee review.........

Champion wasp-chewer Gerard Butler is back, he got his sandal-clad foot through the Hollywood door and like any competent Scotsman he isn't leaving the party until the booze runs dry or he's dragged out by the bouncers. In his third craptastic film in a row he plays some bloke who's name I can't remember that sees his family brutally slaughtered right before his eyes. The hardy Scotsman survives however, knife in the gut being only a flesh wound compared to the stabbings he probably survived on a night out in Glasgow as a youngster, and when the district attorney (Jaime Foxxxxxx not so much phoning it in as texting it, while driving) makes a cushy deal with the worser stabbier of the two criminals to ensure at least one of them gets the death penalty Butler decides it's time to take the law into his own hands......er, well in about 10 years that is.

What the hell was he doing for those 10 years? It's later revealed that he's supposed to be some kind of strategic mastermind working for the US government, if this is the best they've got no wonder Iraq was such a bloody mess. I prefer to think Butler was bemoaning his fate Hamlet style, annoying his pals, getting shit-faced and talking to skulls, only pressed into action when he saw they were about to lethal injeculate one of the guys he wants revenge on. So he wiped the puke off his chin, took a dump and while he was on the porcelain throne jotted down a quick revenge scheme in a hangover haze that trailed off the notepad until it just read FUCK IT KILL EVERYONE in caps at the end, in red crayon.

So he proceeds to kill the bloke that is about to get executed anyway then brutally torture and dismember the other bloke that's been getting his drug-on and his dick sucked for the better part of a decade. Lets himself get arrested then the REAL revenge plan kicks in - orchestrate a terror campaign against the courts and the city in which innocent people get blown up left and right. Wait, what? Oh he's making some kind of point about the failings of the US legal system I think. Things get sillier from here on in until a ridiculous final act twist just about breaks your balls in it's mediocrity and tops itself almost immediately with Butler's final scene.

So burning questions; why did so many people seem to like this? Why does Butler sound like he's doing an American accent through a mouthful of scrabble tiles. And the most important question of all, why did he feel the need to get his dangly bits out when the police came to arrest him?

Right I'm off to watch Gamer :)

Delusion (1991)

2009-12-07T09:26:00.000-08:00

Delusion (1991)

Cast: Jennifer Rubin, Jim Metzler, Kyle Secor & Jerry Orbach.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101704/

Transmorphers II: Fall Of Man (2009) - yup that's where Jennifer Rubin has ended up, Asylum's latest no-budget, no-talent, straight to your bin, rush released to coincide with a similarly titled blockbuster, piece of shit that only gets rented, downloaded or bought when the poor viewer is in a hurry and doesn't read the movie title carefully enough. Pity really because you catch a film like 1991's Delusion, a sunburnt, dusty, desert road-movie oddity, and you remember she was actually an interesting actress once upon a time. Glass half full and all that at least she's not dead, sorry Mr Orbach :(

Jim Metzler plays George, he's in computing and he's just embezzled a shitload of cash from his company. On his way to Reno he spots a couple having car trouble and offers them a ride. However over-friendly, free spirit, Vegas dancer Patti (Rubin) and her goofy boyfriend Chevy (Homicide: Life On The Street's Kyle Secor) aren't going to turn out to be the best road companions. Turns out Chevy's a hitman on his way to ice his old friend and mentor Larry (Orbach) and he's not fussed if he has to kill George along the way as well.

Metzler plays it cold, the only temperature I've ever seen him do in any film frankly, and if you're a fan of Homicide: LOTS you'll know Secor's bag, always an engaging presence to watch and he doesn't do anything different here which is fine with me. It's really Rubin that shines in this weird little tale, Patti is ballsy but vulnerable in her somewhat masochistic relationship with Chevy, pretending to be as uncaring as her partner but subtly helping George whenever the opportunity presents itself; leading to a botched execution and George getting the upper hand.

So all in all a fun but strange litte film that I just about enjoyed in the end, and talking about the end, not to spoil it, but this one leaves us hanging in something of a metaphysical quandary for poor George, should he become like Chevy? Or was it all just a Delusion? (otherwise what's with that title anyway)!

Welcome Imaginary Friends!

2009-12-06T07:09:00.000-08:00

Demented scribblings of a film fan for whom the cycles have begun repeating.